The Rules
by R for Rebel
Summary: There are rules for a reason. Joker and Shepard broke all of them. Rated T for stronge language. Enjoy!


_(Because if you believe hard enough and dream without conditions, THIS COULD HAPPEN! He's pretty bad-ass, so why can't he have a bad-ass girlfriend, too? I got the idea to write this story from a sketch done by __aimo__ on ____ of Joker and Shepard sharing a moment on the bridge. It was so sweet, so I decided to write a story to go with it! Please enjoy! – R for Rebel)_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect; Bioware does._

_Rule Number 1:Don't surprise the woman with the gun_

"Damn." Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau whistled under his breath as he took in the sight that was the _s.s.v. Normandy_. "She's a beauty." The _Normandy _was almost twice the size of the _Zulu_, a tiny frigate he had served on just before he had been asked to pilot the _Normandy_, but Joker was sure he could handle her. As he looked at the freighter with a mixture of wonder and awe, his signature base ball cap slipped back a few inches on his scalp. He untangled his hand from his crutch and, balancing his weight on the other one, re-adjusted it. He sighed as he tried to get his hand back through the strap. His day had already started off crappy with that flight attendant on his shuttle asking him if he needed help getting to his seat. He had told her to back off and had hobbled away. The last thing he needed today was to create a scene in the crowded docking bay. _God, I hate these things, _he thought as he struggled with the nylon. _Humanity has made such great medical advances, but they can't even make a pair of comfortable, easy crutches! _As he grew more and more tangled, he failed to notice a figure approaching behind him.

"Damn pieces of crap!" he cursed again, twisting this way and that until finally seceding in only get his hand badly rope burned.

"Here, let me." A feminine voice said behind him. Two pale, fragile looking hands reached around him and pulled the fibers of the tangled cord apart. He slid his hand through the strap and the hands adjusted it to fit around his upper arm. Then they disappeared. Joker turned around, a snide remark about not needing any help burning his tongue, but as he caught sight of who had helped him, his mind and mouth went blank. A tall, fair woman in her late twenties with chin length red hair and purplish-blue eyes stood before him, wearing the standard Alliance fatigues. She had a Striker II holstered at her hip. A deep scar creased the length of her left check. Joker had the oddest urge to trace it with his finger.

"Lieutenant Commander Leslie Shepard. You can call me Shepard, though. Everyone does. It's nice to meet you." She smiled at him. He smiled back at her.

"As in the War Hero Commander Shepard? Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, at your service, ma'am. You can call me Joker, though. Everyone does. Nice to meet you." For the first time in his life, Joker felt a warm blush begin to creep onto his face. He didn't know exactly why he was blushing, but he was pretty sure it had something to do with the way her eyes sparkled and danced in the docking bay lights and the effect it was having on his stomach. She turned and, motioning for him to follow, they began walking side by side.

"So… have you met any of the crew?" she asked, looking at him sideways.

Joker was prepared for this. On every mission he went on, he always read up on the places they would go, the people they would meet, what ships they would be using. There hadn't been much to go on with the _Normandy _and her crew, but Joker had been resourceful and had dug some things up.

"Besides you? No, I haven't. I've heard a lot of things though. Like, our staff lieutenant is Kaidan Alenko, a biotic, and we got Doctor Ellen Chakwas, one of the best doctors in the Alliance, as our on-board medic."

"What about navigation and engineering?"

"Henry Pressley and Fredrick Adams."

"And the caption?"

Joker stopped. "Ma'am, nobody knows who the caption is. Though, after meeting you, I do have a theory."

The commander stopped as well and stared into his eyes. He seriously wondered if she was deaf or just politely ignoring the amazingly loud thumping that exploded from his chest.

"Well, don't be flippant. Lay it on me." she said, leaning against the railing and crossing her arms over her chest. Joker thought of a perfectly suave answer, but thought for a moment longer.

_What if I'm reading her wrong?_

_What if you are?_

_I'll look like a complete idiot._

_No, you won't. _

_Dude, have you seen the woman I'm talking to???_

_Good point. Well, just calm down and say it. There's not much she can do besides break your legs if you're wrong, and that's happened to you before…_

_Oh great…_

_But remember; be smooth._

_You think it will work?_

_The way she's looking at you? You got no problems, flyboy._

"Well, I've heard Caption Adam Anderson likes strong, beautiful woman as his protégés."

Shepard seemed genuinely taken aback.

"Damn." She said under her breathe. "You're good."

_Oh, great! You just ticked of the Hero of the freakin' Blitz! Nice going, dumbass!_

"Good at what, ma'am?" Joker asked in a cautious tone, puzzled and slightly scared she was about to break his legs.

"Good at surprising me."

Now it was Joker's turn to be taken aback. "I surprised you, ma'am?"

"Out of everyone I've talked to so far, Joker, you're the only one with enough balls to give me a nice compliment. It's been awhile since I've heard a decent one."

The commander began to blush. Joker turned an even darker blush. They stood there in awkward silence before continuing back towards the ship. Shepard was the first to speak.

"So…how did you know I was his protégé?" A dock worker walked past them and the commander had to side step her. In the process she brushed against Joker. His skin sizzled from the unexpected contact.

"I hear things. Put pieces together. Do you not get compliments often, ma'am?"

She smiled slightly, the natural blush already returning to her face. "No. Actually, I haven't gotten a compliment, not even a bad one, since Elysium."

Joker was shocked. He would have expected someone like her to get thousands a day. He decided to go with the nice guy act and say "Well then, I'll put that on my list of things to do daily. It shouldn't be that hard."

He was rewarded with a smile. "You know what, Joker; I think we're going to be great friends."

_Yeah, friends. _By this time they had reached the beginning of the hallway leading to the decontamination room of the _Normandy _and were starting down it.

"So commander, why were you asking me all those questions? About the crew and all?" The decontamination program picked up their movement and began the process of killing the poor, misfortunate germs that had happened to land on them.

---_Decontamination in progress---_

"You aren't the only one I quizzed. I was trying to find someone with an ear to the ground, someone who is constantly on top of things."

---_Decontamination in progress---_

"Someone with all the gossip."

She smiled. "Yeah, something like that."

"Mind me asking why?"

---_Decontamination in progress---_

"Well, I'm not as good as you when it comes to finding the information I need to know." She swayed from foot to foot, staring at the floor, and then looked at Joker again. "So I'm looking for a nice, witty, handsome stranger, preferably one who likes base ball caps and gossip, to help me out."

---_Decontamination in progress--- _

"And you know what?" She leaned towards Joker as if she was about to share a big secret. "I think I've found him."

---_Decontamination complete. Attention. XO Shepard is onboard. ---_

Joker hadn't realized he was holding his breath. He let it out with a sigh. They turned left out of the decontamination room and entered the bridge.

"So, I assume we'll be seeing a lot of each other, ma'am." Joker settled into the pilot's seat and shimmed his crutches under the chair. He smiled at her. She laughed.

"You assume a lot, Joker." she said as she settled herself into the right co-pilot chair. She pulled her knees up to her chin and put her arms around them. Then they just sat there and smiled at each other.

_She's beautiful._

_Oh, good job, Sherlock. That take you long?_

_And she thinks I'm handsome._

_Don't forget nice and witty, too._

_And she likes me._

_Dude, she digs you._

_This could work._

_Well…_

_Oh, please just let me dream._

The commander's voice snapped him back to attention.

"Did you say something, ma'am?"

"I was wondering why your giggling like a little school girl."

Joker stared at her, incomprehension etched on his face, and then he realized what had happened. His eyes went wide and he began to blush. "Oh…Ummm…I was just thinking about…Ummm…the…the…the _Normandy_!

"Uh-huh?"

Joker realized that if he didn't come up with something soon, he'd have to go with plan B, and plan B involved running, and he had never been real good with sports."Well, you see, I was thinking about…Ummm…making her dance?" Shepard looked at him briefly as if he were insane and then looked away.

"Making the ship dance?"

"Uhhh…yeah. See back in flight school, we called flying _dancing_." Joker cringed at how stupid this sounded, but kept rolling with it. "This puppy looks like she can take the heat, and I'm itching to make her tap dance across the Milky Way."

_Smooth._

_Oh, shut up, you fag._

_Nice. You just called your inner self gay. _

_Shut up._

_Do you feel good when you put yourself down? Hmmm? Do you?_

_Shut up. Shut up! Shut Up!_

The commander standing up broke his reverie again.

"Well, Joker, it looks like I should go."

_Damn it! Why does this always happen to me!?!_

Joker was far from fine with this, but said calmly, "Okay, Commander. I guess I'll see you later?"

To his great relief, she smiled at him. "Sure thing. I'll be up here after dinner." She shimmed out into the middle of the bridge and turned back to him. "Oh, and one more thing, Joker."

"Yes, commander?"

She smiled at him devilishly. "Don't lie. It's not good for moral on the ship, and if we're going to be friends, flyboy, I need to know I can trust you. Understood?"

Joker hadn't been called flyboy since flight school. The way it rolled of her tongue made his heart thump one loud, painful beat. "Understood, ma'am."

"Good. See you later." She turned with one last smile and walked out of the bridge.

_Well, that went well._

_Yeah, seriously._

_At least she's not totally freaked out by you._

_Oh, that's nice._

_Well, I'm sorry, but even I was a little weirded out by that story and I'm your subconscious._

_Ugh…_

_Don't get down on yourself, bud, she still likes you for some reason. Why else would she agree to come back?_

_She's either crazy or just doesn't care about my level of sanity. Either way, she's a keeper._

Joker pulled his consol out of sleep mode and began the process of starting the engine.

(I hope you liked the first chapter! I'll have the second chapter hopefully out soon. Send me your reviews! Kisses! – R for Rebel)


End file.
